Broken

My head is a mess....
My life is the same...
My house is a wreck...
My heart is broken..


I am sitting here on my couch it's about 4:30. t's dark outside already. My body hurts.
My head is pounding. All I am wanting is a hug.. Someone to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be alright. I don't have that.

I want a hug.. full of feeling. I want someone to grab me and not let me go.. A hug That would comfort me convince me I can do this.

My sister is the only one in my family that calls me and it hurts. My mother lectures me everytime I call her. The only thing she has to say is.... you have those boys to think about...
I know I do.

What am I that selfish to give up on my children. They are my life. I already lost the love of my life... I don't want my children to go through what I went through.


I'm sick.......

The nightmares of that night still haunt me. They are a past I cannot hide from.
I fear sleep. The thing I once enjoyed so much.
I lie in bed at night and ask Erich to keep me safe... but to not visit me in my dreams.
It hurts to see him. Every dream I have I ask him to not leave me again..
I wake up crying silently... The hurt in my heart so intense I cannot function for several minutes. I am stuck with the facial expression of severe hurt.. My chest feels as if it's caved in.
My heart crushed.

Reality hits me everyonce in awhile.. Then I push it away.. hiding underneath a blanket on my couch.. or in a cloud of prescription meds.
I am becoming addicted.
Addicted to pain meds. They make the hurt go away. They bring back me. I am able to talk on the phone or play a game of halo3.

I 'm sorry to tell you this. I am an addict, I haven't eaten in days. I am weak.. As long as my boys are alive and well taken care of.. Who cares about me...
5 more weeks..
make it through the surgeries....
get the boys with the family...

hide in a closet ...
close your eyes...
give in to the hurt...

You can do it...
5 more weeks....
get them to safety...

hide in a dark corner...
let it be know....
He is gone...

Take in the reality..
Scream in the closet...
Everyone will walk on by...

Just make sure your boys are safe...
Welcome to disney world...
Your mom has lost her mind.