The healing process

I don't know really what to say anymore.
I sat and removed the bad.. I tried to move forward. I just can't seem to get ahead. Everyday is the same. I'm angry, sick. I lie in bed and that night goes over and over in my head. I lay there the same way I layed there that night when we went to sleep. The thoughts of him being attack while I lay there unable to help. I can't get them out of my head.

Why not me? Why didn't I just stay there with him until the paramedics arrived? Why couldn't I save him? I didn't want this. I have tried to move on. I've tried to forget and move forward for my children. The more I think about that night the more I want just give up.

I am so tired of being judged by everyone who knew him. Every choice, action I make is brought before me. Shoved in my face. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. If I would have known I would have never been with him. I just want to get better. I am trying so hard. I don't know what else I can do.
I'm sorry