From my head to yours

Erichs writtings

2008-07-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 11, 2007
Drunk with Sleep Deprivation Current mood: crazy Category: Life
Slowly our fingers interwine
The feeling sweet
Your skin slowly caressing mine
My breath catches in my throat
As I touch you for the first time
My heart races wildly
Euphoria crashing through my body in waves
Bliss overcomes my trepidation
I'm holding your hand

Thursday, August 30, 2007
Time..... Current mood: blah
TortureTime passes agonizingly slowAching to hold her in my arms
My heart breaks a little every time I let her go Longing for the day I have her here with me Staring longingly into her heavely brown eyes Her slightest touch would send me tumbling into ectasy
Minutes slowly trickle by.....

Friday, August 31, 2007
Missing... Current mood: numb Category: Life
43...14th smallest prime number
The designation of Interstate 43,
a freeway in Wisconsin.
the code for direct dial international phone calls to Austria.
The number for Richard Petty's NASCAR
43 AD: The Romans Invade England
The station number for Fox in Pennsylvania
The name of a hotel in Idaho(hahaha)

The number of hours I've talked to her in the past two weeks....

Kinda Cheesy Current mood: calm Category: Life
Plane Ticket $175
Gas $20
Parking $10
Finally being with her... Priceless

Saturday, September 01, 2007
My nights.... Current mood: determined Category: Life
She is addicting like a drug....Every though of her intoxicating...The song of her voice that of a siren...Calming me into a trance...Weaving images of things to come..The song comes to an end...Rending a tear in my heart...Sleep impossible without her warmth next to me...Patiently I wait for the dream of her to come true.Note: Siren is reffering to the mythalogical beings.

Sunday, September 09, 2007
Yep Current mood: content Category: Life
She owns my body
She owns my soul
She owns my heart
She owns my thoughts
She owns my day
She may not know it...She owns me

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Makes me think of her.... Current mood: distressed Category: Life
And I'd give up forever to touch you'
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

Thursday, September 13, 2007
My first "normal" blog in a while Current mood: calm Category: Life
So.... you may or may not know that I have been planning on moving. Yep... I'm going to be getting away from the place that I have called home for nearly 19 years. Yes I've been in the same place for 19 years... yeah. So I'm headed east in about 3 weeks. Big change for me. I put in my two weeks at work this week so this really is going to happen. I am absolutely scared shitless. Everything is going to change for me and for the first time in my life I really have no idea what's going to happen. So everyone please wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed. I think I'm in for a hell of a ride.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Broken Current mood: crushed Category: Life
My heart hurts right now... empty. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... let her go. I just got home from the airport... hopefully the last time I ever have to go there. I can barely focus on the screen right now... my vision is rather blury. I haven't cried like this in a very long time. She really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that I won't be without her for long. I know that I will be with her again soon enough... just hard to let go... even if only for a short time.

The healing process

2008-07-12T13:39:00.001-07:00

I don't know really what to say anymore.
I sat and removed the bad.. I tried to move forward. I just can't seem to get ahead. Everyday is the same. I'm angry, sick. I lie in bed and that night goes over and over in my head. I lay there the same way I layed there that night when we went to sleep. The thoughts of him being attack while I lay there unable to help. I can't get them out of my head.

Why not me? Why didn't I just stay there with him until the paramedics arrived? Why couldn't I save him? I didn't want this. I have tried to move on. I've tried to forget and move forward for my children. The more I think about that night the more I want just give up.

I am so tired of being judged by everyone who knew him. Every choice, action I make is brought before me. Shoved in my face. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. If I would have known I would have never been with him. I just want to get better. I am trying so hard. I don't know what else I can do.
I'm sorry

I think about...

2008-05-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

I think about...
My old friends often..

How they are...
How they have grown...

The one that comes to my mind often..
Hurts me..
The falling out we had...

Over and over I read the conversation..
Wondering where I went completely wrong.

Will I ever hear from them again.
Will they ever know how much they are missed..

Just know.....
I meant every word I said..
I care but not in that way..

I hope you are well.

sinking

2008-02-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

Perhaps if I just changed the catergory of music I am listening to I would feel content.

Why is it when we have a problem we make it worse by listening to sad music..
I lay there on the floor....
Wondering if I will ever get the energy to pick myself up...

When do we know when it's the right time to move on..?

it all comes crashing down..

2008-01-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

You ever watch those depression commercials where the people are grey looking out the window?
I never thought that it was possible to feel that down. Well I learned it was the other day.
When I woke up I couldn't get off the couch. I knew I had to. I wanted to... I just couldn't.
It was as if something was stopping. I was hurting so badly.

My shrink asked if I have had days where I couldn't get out of bed I told her no. It's happening now. God I can't believe it. I am scared it might happen again.

This is the emptiest I have ever been.

Losing the love of my life tragically like I did. It doesn't make sense. I keep my tears from falling. I try so hard to be strong for everyone.

My support system is slowly dwindling. The friends I had are not calling anymore. Not messaging. I am nothing now. The drama.... the excitement.. The attention is over..

The time I need them the most they are all busy with theirs lives.. Laughing, being with their families... I wish I could heal like them.

I want to wake up in the morning and say today is going to be okay...
I am okay...

I'm not okay... not at all.. I am lost.. and the friends I once had are gone.

I'm afraid that things won't get better.

Memories

2007-12-31T09:50:00.000-08:00

so kill me with love
just love yourself like no one else
time's so scarce where I come from
let them say what they like
because they still can't take our love

Some bulletins and letters from my myspace from 2007...

~Erich~aka Rukh 10
This is the love of my life.
I have never met anyone like him.
Well to think of it I have never met him!
Yeah I know crazy.
Crazy how much you can't learn about a person when they are right in front of you.
I spend hours upon hours learning little things.
Things that I love.
He is amazing!!
He makes me happy!!
He is the love of my life!

His reply to thee above.....

That down there really is wonderful.
I'm happy and greatful that you feel strongly enough about me to share it with everyone.
I'm very very lucky to have you in my life.
You are everything to me..
I really never want anyone else.
It feels increadible to know that such an amazing person as you can love me.
My heart flutters everytime you tell me you do.
I will love you forever...
you are my true love.
Thank you for your bulletin. I'm sooo sorry that I was being selfish about it.
Sometimes I don't look at both sides of things...
please forgive me?
I love you..

~from erich~

You are amazing

You are phenominal

You are caring

You are kind

You are funny

You are beautiful inside and out

You make me happy

You give me something to look forward to every day

You are my first thought

You are my last thought

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me

You are the love of my life

You are my future...

Will you have me?

Some more letters from my myspace........

Dear Christa,
I love you. You have a nice ass. You make me happy.
You should kiss me when I see you. Someday I will marry you. You + me = baby makin time.
If I saw you now I'd hug the hell out of you. I want to hold your hand you.
I would build a bad ass canoe just for you. If I could sing you any song it would be "Everything I do-Brian Adams".
We could sleep and dream together under the stars.
Love,Erich Thomas Tabert
(P.S. You are the most beautiful person I know.)

~from Dock~

Dear Xti Fax,
I like you. You have a nice pair of sneakers. You make me want to go kiyacking.
You should learn Ninjitsu. Someday I will make movies. You + me = skater kids who fucking own.
If I saw you now I'd do a cartwheel. I want to meet you.
I would build a paper airplane just for you. If I could sing you any song it would be "breaking the law".
We could drink beer in Erichs canoe under the stars.
Love,Joe
(P.S. only a few more days! I'm stoked for you two love birds, I think it's awesome:) .)

My absolute favorite letter from erich.....

My everything....

I sit here after I've hung up with you and I'm lonely for the time before I can fall asleep. Thinking about you is what relaxes me enough to fall asleep. Dreaming about you is what keeps me asleep. I haven't slept like this...god in years! Thank you.. you are so amazing to me. How can I explain to you how I feel? How can I describe this feeling I have deep in my heart that knows that you are the one... my only... my forever? Maybe it sounds crazy... but I know... somehow I know. Do you think that's possible? Is it possible to just know something like that? I think it is... I'm sure it is beaus I'm so sure about us... about marrying you. I know that we are going to be great together. I kinda feel silly for saying that, but I want you to know how I feel and what I'm thinking... even if it is possibly dumb.

Anyhow... I'm gonna stop now. I think I've put enough crazy out there for one night. I really really hope that you sleep well tonight and that you have some really good dreams... maybe about us? hahaha I miss you... I'm looking at your myspace so I can have a little part of you here with me before I go to sleep.I love you Christa...

you are absolutely amazing.

Erich

Christa...

that was the most amazing message I have ever recieved. I have to be the luckiest guy in the world. I can't explain to you the way you make me feel, words just aren't enough.I am so increadibly greatful that we found eachother. I glad you had the courage to give me your number... I never would have thought to give you mine. I'm so glad you were ok with texting... I didn't have the courage to call you.I am so glad that we have gotten to know eachother the way we have. I don't think we'd have been able to build as strong a relationship if we hadn't. We've gotten to know the real us.. and I love the amazing and beautiful girl that you are.This really does feel like it was ment to be. Everything just happened to fall into place at just the right time for both of us. I'm just gonna run with it and keep loving you for as long as my body is drawing breath. I'm never letting go.. I'll fight for this is I have to. I didn't know it was possible to love someone like this untill I met you... thank you!I truely love you Christa... I can't wait for the day that I can call you my wife... not because I need a piece of paper... because I know already that I will love you for the rest of my life... but to be able to celebrate and show that love to everyone else.You are a wonderful person.. a truly beautiful individual... thank you for everything you do for me. You complete me..I love you with all my heart...Erich

christmas eve

2007-12-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

It doesn't really feel like it...
Does it?

maybe it's just how fast the time has gone by...
maybe it's just that I am getting older...
maybe it's because I lost a big piece of my heart.

I am trying to hold me head up high for the boys...
Make them happy...
They remind me that erich is dead.
Aidan tells me that he is.. but we can pick him up from heaven tomorrow.

i would give myself if he could live.

I am ignoring that fact that he is gone...
pushing it aside so that I can heal.

I think about him often.. It hurts so badly.
I am so in love with him. Nothing can change that.
I know that what I say now you are thinking... hmm that will change with time.

But no.....
I want to see erich again.. He is my only only.. I don't want anyone else..

Broken

2007-12-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

My head is a mess....
My life is the same...
My house is a wreck...
My heart is broken..

I am sitting here on my couch it's about 4:30. t's dark outside already. My body hurts.
My head is pounding. All I am wanting is a hug.. Someone to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be alright. I don't have that.

I want a hug.. full of feeling. I want someone to grab me and not let me go.. A hug That would comfort me convince me I can do this.

My sister is the only one in my family that calls me and it hurts. My mother lectures me everytime I call her. The only thing she has to say is.... you have those boys to think about...
I know I do.

What am I that selfish to give up on my children. They are my life. I already lost the love of my life... I don't want my children to go through what I went through.

I'm sick.......

The nightmares of that night still haunt me. They are a past I cannot hide from.
I fear sleep. The thing I once enjoyed so much.
I lie in bed at night and ask Erich to keep me safe... but to not visit me in my dreams.
It hurts to see him. Every dream I have I ask him to not leave me again..
I wake up crying silently... The hurt in my heart so intense I cannot function for several minutes. I am stuck with the facial expression of severe hurt.. My chest feels as if it's caved in.
My heart crushed.

Reality hits me everyonce in awhile.. Then I push it away.. hiding underneath a blanket on my couch.. or in a cloud of prescription meds.
I am becoming addicted.
Addicted to pain meds. They make the hurt go away. They bring back me. I am able to talk on the phone or play a game of halo3.

I 'm sorry to tell you this. I am an addict, I haven't eaten in days. I am weak.. As long as my boys are alive and well taken care of.. Who cares about me...
5 more weeks..
make it through the surgeries....
get the boys with the family...

hide in a closet ...
close your eyes...
give in to the hurt...

You can do it...
5 more weeks....
get them to safety...

hide in a dark corner...
let it be know....
He is gone...

Take in the reality..
Scream in the closet...
Everyone will walk on by...

Just make sure your boys are safe...
Welcome to disney world...
Your mom has lost her mind.

November 30th 2007

2007-12-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

9:39 AM 11/30/2007
I wish it were the time above but nope....I am in illinois...
So it's really 8:39am
I have a 2 hour layover.. which is almost over...
I am on my way to slc...to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
Erichs funeral is tomorrow..
So here I am waiting for my plane... Trying so hard to keep awake.

Lastnight a friend of mine and erichs called...I wish I could have been there for him more. I wish I could have listened to him.He needed someone and I had to sleep because it was almost one and my alarm was set to go off at 3am.
His heart is breaking... and I am worried. I am worried because i can hear the hurt in his voice.It was bad enough to loose him best friend but now he has a terribly deep feeling she isgoing to leave him.
I will see him tonight i believe. I feel lost without le med right now.
No internet here... so i am just using my notepad...
Please do not let this plane be completely full.. I don't want to sit next to anyone. They all seem so perfect..so happy.
randomness.................
I am well I just don't care anymore...For this first time in my life I do not fear death... I know erich will be waiting for me...bring on the plane....
I can't keep my eyes open anymore....8:48 AM 11/30/2007 editied the right time in......